Adventures on a Dating Site

Hello my lovely readers...you are looking mighty fine!

OK so I thought I would experiment on a pretty well known dating website (which shall remain nameless).  A friend of mine met her beau on the site and suggested I give it a shot.  Well me being the wild rebel I am I thought..."eh what hey."


So the results of this experiment have been a lot things, humorous, weird, interesting oh did I mention humorous.  I am saying all this and you are reading, "like well dang it Toya tell us what happened.  What have you come across?"

Well calm down, I'll get to it but first let me kinda tell you how this thing goes in case you have never been on an online dating site or ever looked at one.  First, you create an account of course and from there you fill out some demographic information along with your basic likes and preferences etc.  You then upload your pictures and include a short bio about yourself.

Once you do all that you have an option of completing a more extensive personality assessment for the site to give you more compatible matches (*I'm snickering right now*).  OK yeah I didn't do the extra hour long assessment..yeah no thanks!

Let's see *cracks knuckles* let me see, where to begin...well once I was all set up. I got a mass amount of emails from various daters who were interested in my profile.  Ok, first of all I wasn't even on the site an hour and I had like 11 emails.

From those interested, I learned a few things...main thing is...THEY DIDN'T READ MY PROFILE. Yes, sorry I was yelling. On my profile I listed my hobbies, things important to me all that jazz along with my demographic information.


Well bachelor #1's first question was "Hey Sexy, you look hella good, how old are you?" umm ok folks (my face is like o_O) ... first that introduction, secondly how old am I? That's like the first thing listed under your username! So guess what he got...I'll tell you...no response, that's what!










Bachelor #2 In my profile I clearly listed I prefer guys within a certain age range. Welp, another NON READER...this guy looked like he was old enough to be my grandfather only Caucasian and looks like he goes Harley Riding with ZZ TOP.  Now while he was polite he clearly didn't read the ages listed in which he clearly was not in the range of.








Bachelor #3 He decides to type to me like this... "hEy BeAuTiFuL hOw iZ u DoIn" ummm yeah no words for that.... I was mad his message gave me a mini damn migraine so I just deleted it and moved on.





Bachelor #4  (Ok please note...this is a true story) He was nice and all but after we exchanged messages back and forth for oh about 4 cycles (him, me, him, me, him) He decided to say and I quote "I love ass, I mean really love it, everything about it the smell the look the taste, I love to eat ass!"
Ummm yeah ok yeah I know close your mouth! I was like that too thinking "WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT" anyways I guess he thought I would be somehow responsive to that.
Well folks...couple issues with that, *ahem* first of all why would you tell me that after like a 2 min conversation.
Secondly, even if I found that out later on...one word, EWWWWWW.  Ol boo boo chip mouth boy.  That would mess up a relationship I'm telling you! How, well everytime you kiss him you think his face has been planted inside someones butt cheeks and eating boo boo chips...that's a big fat fail...NNNNEEEXXXXTTTTTTTT!!!
                                                         

Those are just a few examples oh how I can go on! But I will now go over some common pit falls to avoid when looking around on dating sites.  Here are things to look for...men and women!

• FAKE PICTURES! Beware, they will Photoshop pictures.  Make themselves have abs that are not there. Make themselves thinner than what they are. Make themselves have hair lol

                                                        

• Far away pictures...ok far away pictures most likely mean they don't want you to see something orrrrrrr let's be honest they are less than attractive
• Fake Facades: pictures of people with their prize possessions (car, motorcycles, purses, make up etc)...the pictures of them holding money always cracks me up!

                                                         

• People lie! Just a fact of life. A person will say their build is 'average or athletic build' well when you see a real life pic or them in real life they are one Twinkie away from obesity

                                                                  

• Some will say they are single and they are not.
• Some will say they don't have children and they do.
• They have this fabulous job when in fact they don't have one at all or not one as glorified as they claim.
• People who have photos up from 2002...umm hello it's almost 2013
• One that cracks me up is when they take these picture they swear are sexy but they turn out to be a failure in every since of the word.

Now fear not it's not all bad, but there are a lot of yahoo's to watch out for.  One thing I will say is just take your time. Take it slow and listen and pay attention to  the conversation.  Read between the lines sometimes.

As for me, I have met some nice folks on the site but for one reason or another mainly I think on my part they fall into the friend zone.  I am the first to admit...
                                                         

Hey there don't go judging me.

OOoooooh look at the time...gotta run!

Blog ya later!

                                                               

Friends, Love and the Election...Randomness!

Well hello again...nice to see you again. My you are looking well! What, you have a problem with my niceness then fine, I'll just say you look like hell! Is that better Mr/Ms. Pessimistic, lol just kidding but it is good to see you again.

I have been scattered brained again about what exactly I want to talk to you folks about...let's see, friends, love, the election.  Ehhhhh...nah I don't think any of those, yet at the same time all of those.  Have you ever just battled with yourself internally...well I do it on a constant basis and I tell you what I am one tough cookie!

I refuse to give up and I refuse to give and sometimes you have too! I refuse to let people dictate what I can and can't do...that makes me an angry rebel black sheep, I call it passionate for change.

I recently had a good friend of mine (shout out #TeamTurtle) tell me when it comes to love "you are just too picky" my response was you may be right.  He says "It's like you subconsciously look for stuff to discount folks and if you don't let down your defenses no one will ever be good enough."  Well of course rebel me was like "WHATEVER BUDDY" but real me was like "yeah I know I really need to be more conscious of that."

Moving on along...friends well I don't have many I really call friends yet the ones I do that are active are awesome! Shout out to you guys...I thank you for setting me straight when I am all over the place, being that shoulder to cry on when I need it as well as that ear to listen. I was a bit down and often envious of folks who had these undying long lasting friendships (I remember when I had those).  I wanted that but you know what God gives us what we need.  Strangely enough I was whining about not having any friends to a couple of friends! WTH?!  How insensitive of me, after I thought back on it! They are awesome friends and they must have  felt like chop suey hearing me whining and saying I don't have any friends....I'm sorry you guys even when you tick me off.  I LOVE YOU!!! (*side note* As I type my friend is sitting here randomly singing lyrics off key as all hell it's hilarious*)

You know we don't tell people we love them as much as we should then if something where to happen you are ready to throw yourself in moving traffic because you never told them how you felt about them or how much they have influenced your life etc.   So make sure you tell the ones you care about that you do care about them and what impact they have had on your life.  It would mean the world to them, I know it would mean to the world to me if I heard that.

Ok moving on along...the election...President Barack Obama will stay the president for 4 more year.... Get over it, move on, it is what it is!!

This blog is totally scattered and random and you know what...one word...WHATEVER lol anyways

Blog ya laters...

I know I Haven't blogged in 4 months but...

Wellllllll hello there...long time no read huh?
I know I know and before you guys go judging me just know I have had alot going on...haven't been focused on being able to sit still and blog.  Two words...my bad. Ok now that we have gotten all that out of the way...I bet you want to know what exciting topic has inspired me to blog. Well nothing in particular I need to get back into the swing of things...I will update my facebook status to something and think hmmm that would make an awesome blog topic. Then what do I do yup you guessed move on and forget.
Well I guess i'll give you a quick cliff notes version of what I have been up too the past few months...*Cracks knuckles*
Let's see I last blogged in December so lets pick up with the new year...

Flash back to January...

This was a mellow month then about half way through my angel in my life my grandmother, Marie Brown passed away Febuary 1.

I never imagined life without her such a rock in my life but its bitter sweet.  I want here with me but in the same breath I know she is in a much better place and if I don't have to worry about anyone going to Heaven its her.
This was a time for reflection to realize how important family and friends are. Also, to really know when you leave this Earth what impression are you leaving behind...that of greatness or mess? I choose greatness just like her! She was the best example of a non judgemental Christian ever! To know her was to love her.
Also, in January found out  a couple of my besties were pregnant! I'll be excited with those babies get here so I can go visit and steal baby cheeks and kisses.

February was mainly consumed by that..I have also this year started working out even more than I used too...its become the best stress reliever for me! I started the Insanity program,  It is super intense if you don't know what it is and you need a good workout I recommend it....www.insanity.com.  I also have been hitting the gym and playing my usual sports...
Oh so your reading this yeah yeah pick it up huh your used to me making you laugh not making you sad...I know I know...ok, ok





Well let's see...

I've had a couple inquires about what happened to ol #94 well I'm happy to report that ol #94 is doing just fine and is happily involved in a relationship. I am very happy for him.  He really deserves that happiness. We are still friends and that's what we are best at :)
No no don't act like aww man. It's a good thing,  Everything isn't for everybody and it was totally for the best at least as far as I am concerned. I may get an invite to his wedding, that'd be awesome. :)
Alright enough about #94 so your thinking well what about you?! Well what about me? ok ok enough with the beating around the bush...well I have been busy being swept off my feet. Yeah from previous posts you know that has not been an easy thing for the ninja is what I shall call him :) it's like he came out of no where!
It's strange how God works he always seems to give us what we need when we need it.  He just kinda snuck up on me but he is so awesome! Keeps me smiling, feeling special and always keeps it genuine and is very patient.  Even critiques me and gets on me when I'm wrong...pssshhh yeah like i'm ever wrong...just kidding! We have grown so close that honestly folks, I say to you...its scary, haven't felt this way in a lllloooooooooonnnnngggggggg time.  I just have to relax and enjoy the journey and see where it leads us.

What a lil taste of happiness looks like :) Thank you ninja! lol

Well that completes my update! OO OO before I forget...ill be having ankle surgery in June so I will be all laid up so guess who will be blogging like a crazy person!

Stay tuned I promise...I have a bunch of good stuff stewing in this disturbed brain oh mine! Until then peace!

My Adventures in the Gym

Well hello there again!

As promised in the previous post…I will break down what I have observed in my visits to the gym.  Now, I have always been pretty athletic and fit.  Not tooting my own horn it’s just something that is in my DNA I think to be active exercising or playing sports.   Well my season of flag football, basketball is over until spring.  So in addition to my boxing work out I said to myself…”Self you need to get to the gym a few times a week to relieve stress and get that six pack you want.” Well it’s going well, but I digress…this blog is not about my physical progress workout. Maybe we will discuss that one day but yeah not today. In my frequent trips to the gym and if you hadn’t noticed I’m a bit of a people watcher…well I have categorized some gym goers.  Once you read these I’m sure you will be able to identify.

First up we shall pay homage to the:

GYM RAT:

These are the guys that have to lift as much weight as humanly possible for their body, they have to make grunting noise, yell, and scream so everyone in the gym knows they are “getting buff.”  Also, typically they lift weight close to a mirror so once they are done they can spring up and check out their physique in said mirror.  Once the gym rat has finished a particular weight routine.  They usually grab a towel and water bottle and walk around the gym doing the buff walk like they own the place.  Wait…why are you looking like that…you don’t know what the buff walk is? Oh allow me to explain…ok hunch both your shoulders up, then let your arms dangle free slightly bent and away from your body, now squeeze both your butt cheeks in now walk…BAM look at you buff walking!!!

Next up is America’s favorite the:

The Spokesperson:

These are the people who come into the gym and you think wow they are about to hit it hard! OR if playing basketball for instance you think whoa did they play in college.  All because they have the LOOK down! They will have on the Nike shoes, socks, shorts, air dry razor back tank top or jersey, the Nike head band, towel, watch etc the list goes on and on.  However, if you notice this a lot of time is the person with absolutely NO ATHLETIC bone in their body. If they are just working out they come often but the ol elliptical or treadmill defeats them in 3 mins or less. The weighted machines stay on a weight of 10 or the pin isn’t in at all. But I tell you what bless their hearts they look good doing it.  They get picked up in a basketball game only for their team to realize that was an EPIC fail of a decision to pick them up.   However, the Spokesperson can sure give you great tips on fashionable gym attire! If this is your style…hey embrace it its ok…look one of our favorite comedian Kevin Hart does…watch…

OK moving on along to the…

The Singles:

These are folks that can also fall under one of the categories above.  Yet the main purpose of Singles is to simply check out chicks or guys.  This is the guy who will give you that huge smile and then randomly pop up next to you on every machine you get on…the Singles can sometime be a bit creepy. Now women are in this category…wanna know how to spot a woman that’s a singles…find her next to a somewhat hot guy in the gym she will be on the treadmill next to him leisurely walking with a full face of make up but dressed like a SPOKESPERSON.

Next we get to the…

The New Years Resolution Maker:

These folks usually come out of the wood work after the holidays. These are the folks who went the ol New Years ball dropped they made the resolution that this would be the year that they would get in shape.  They get excited and sometimes form group…yay.  They then get all the apparel needed for the gym and head on down to the local gym and sign up.  Some even get personal trainers…because they are serious this time not like that past years. Nope this year it’s different. Well the New Years Resolution Makers start off good and strong sad part is usually about 2 weeks later…nada Gyms love the New Years Resolution Makers they get them obligated in contracts and get their money never see them again.  FREE MONEY!

Then comes the:

“I’ve got to get my body right for the summer" person:  

 Actually see New Years Resolution Maker however this person usually emerges in April or May right before the summer.  One caveat is sometime this is the person that says they will hit it hard to be able to get into a bikini by summer obstacle is their body most likely looks like this…

Next Up:

The never ending runner:

This group of people I secretly envy…they run for ever and ever and ever.  Me after a mile and a half 2 and most I’m tuckered out.  I had to work to get to that point.  Don’t judge me I was a sprinter not a cross country runner! This person usually has a straight face, ear buds in ears or watching TV…they usually are dripping in sweat and have a towel for the occasional sweat wipe away…

The Magazine reader:

I think this is a new generation of exercisers or something…I mean we come to the gym to work up a sweat right…WRONG these folks have the latest edition of Cosmo or People and catching up with celebrity gossip while working out.  I must admit I tried it yeah not so much for me…I’ll stick with reading mags in the Doc office waiting room, but hey if it works for you. Great lol.

Are you the:

Stinky dude:

This dude may or may not be a gym rat, but most likely not a Spokesperson or Single.   This is the guy who is super sweaty and stinks to high hell like the invention of deodorant hasn’t been discovered yet.  This guy may be outgoing but he is usually all over the gym and you know this because his stench is all over the gym turning heads and burning nose hairs out of all gym patrons.  This person is also not going to use the sanitizing wipes to clean off the machines or weights once you use them.  Forget about it, he isn’t EVEN going to attempt to use them.

OMG without further ado!

The locker room flasher:

Ok where do I begin with this one...let me paint you a picture of my encounter.  So I leave work headed to the gym…la da dee la dad ah (that’s me humming).  I walk into the gym say hey to the employees “hey guys!” they say “hey how are ya?” back at me.  La da dee hmmm mmmmm open the door to the women’s locker room go around the corner to the locker area and WHAM greeted by butt nakedness! In my head I think…”Holy hell cover up” but I say nothing because honestly this is quite normal for a locker room right.  Well then it gets interesting…I am taking my coat off and placing items in the locker gathering my clothes to escape into the handicapped bathroom stall to change (yeah I’m that one…don’t judge me).  Before I could finish gathering my clothes I hear…” hey what’s up Toya?!” I look up to say “hello” but something happened my eyes looked up before I could speak and what they saw was the back shot view of a woman looking at me while drying her ankles off and looking at me from in between her legs…OK my face instantly looked like o_O all I could say was “oh nothing” and I dang near ran to the stall.  Where I had to then compose myself and mouth silently to myself “WTH was that?!” Then I have to come back to work or around the building and see you on a regular basis…FAIL!

Ok so prime rule for me…DO NOT TALK TO ME WHILE YOU ARE BUTT NAKED!! …well unless you’re the ROCK but ahem back to the subject…yes not cool.  I don’t want to talk to you as you are lifting your breast to dry sweat or water etc or while you’re putting on underwear.  Let’s just enjoy the silence and pick up the conversation once we are fully clothed to avoid any awkwardness.

Welp it's been fun dissecting the various personalities at the gym and sharing it with you but I gotta run...Blog ya later!

Turkey Day Ettiquette: What type are you?!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone!! 

I hope you all enjoyed the day with family and/or friends! 

I went to my Uncle and Aunts house for thanksgiving dinner and met up with family.  Great! Now with that said, I realized there are several various types Thanksgiving food partakers (for lack of a better word). Here we go...

Hoarder:  Pile on as much as they can as fast and they can and hurry in the kitchen because I’m coming back as soon as I scarf this down

The Food Can’t Touch Eater: This person loves the food but oh boy if two foods touch on their plate they will have a melt down… (If you don’t think this person exist think again I watched the meltdown happen it was the most hilarious thing ever lol)

The Picky Eater: This is the person that walks around slowly peeking under pot tops, lifting aluminum foil, poking at food. The pick eater has to closely survey EVERY thing…then when they do fix their plate they only eat certain things. This person sometimes frowns upon others because they eat something that the Picky Eater does not.

The Dieter: This is the person that comes in and proclaims they are on a diet and they can only eat certain things and only a little of this and a little of that…*please note* by the end of the day this person has morphed into the Hoarder.

Bird Eater: This is the person that that will make a regular plate and for some reason they can never finish it.  You can usually find the Bird Eater with a lot of napkins around where they have chewed food and spit out or you might find their paper/Styrofoam plate face down in the trash as to not to alert anyone they didn’t eat all of their food.

The Mouth Wide Open Eater:  This is the person that could be one of the above however, since all the family is around the table perhaps swapping stories from past this person just has to chime in the only thing is…they have a mouth full of food! #FAIL usually bits of cornbread or some other food comes spewing out as everyone looks on with a blank stare. This person usually thinks the looks of everyone is because of their awesome story but it not on the contrary.

Grab & Go Eater: These are family members or friends that make it his or her own personal mission to see how many thanksgiving dinners they can make it too.  They usually eat a small amount (to leave room for other visits). They pack a plate like a hoarder and next thing you know they have their aluminum foiled wrapped plate, coat on  and they are waving goodbye to everyone while heading to their next target.

Last but not least…

The Desserter:  This is the person that is probably one of the above but will also partake in indulging in a hunkin piece of every desert and gluttonously groan, “mmm’s and ahh’s” while eating.

OK, so what type are you?  Are you willing to admit it :)

My truth:

       You know this time of year for me is a bit bittersweet for me.  When I was younger it was always so exciting… yeah but not so much anymore.  Wait, wait I know what your thinking don’t be like that…and I don’t mean in the horrible, but  the generation or generations before myself used to always make sure the family was gathered and everyone was in attendance.  Well that generation has grown a lot older some have gone to be with the Lord and others just can’t do it anymore.  I must be honest this saddens me.  A lot of my family has moved and we are all scattered.

      Now this is the second Thanksgiving I’ve had since my separation and divorce.  I have to honestly say,   I don’t miss that part  ¯\(ツ)/¯

Hey I’m just being honest…but it was the first holiday I was separated from my daughter…although it was only for 8 hours it seemed like a lifetime.  I did have a good time messing with my uncle and family though.

Ok funny story then I’ll wrap it up… you know I like to ramble. So I listen to the Rickey Smiley Morning Show every morning (its hilarious)…ok anyway Rickey is always mispronouncing words…so the morning crew incorporated a bell.  Anytime someone mispronounces a word they ring the bell.

Well yesterday scratch that my uncle is always mispronouncing words and proudly too (because he just knows he is right). For example…he said,  "I got on my computer and I STROLLED down and the stuff was gone." My facial expression at this point was -à o_O  I then tapped the bell said *ahem* you mean "scroll." The bell got quite a bit of use with him trying to say Bass Pro Shop...kept getting tongue tied! LOL...

Well the end of  my visit was when my uncle decide to tell us the story of how he remembers when he learned to walk! OK OK...

You remember when you were 10 months old and you are 52 yrs old now and don’t remember what you did last week! HILARIOUS!!! I love that guy! Always giving me a laugh!

Ok, Ok well that’s enough of my rambling! Again, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and now I shall clean and shop…hopefully all the crazy people who camped out for Black Friday sales have now gone home and I can just ease in and get what I need J

Be blessed! Blog ya later!