The Latest Dumb Revolution... The Side Chick Revolution

Hey all,

It’s been a while I know but you know we always go through this song and dance. I know by now you all don’t judge me for that. I have been honestly avoiding all writings on the computer or even in my journal. Well sometimes I think when I want to blog about stuff will you guys even really care or not.  I don’t know I think it was like my own subconscious protest of not dealing with some things but eh I digress.

Yeah well regardless of that I’m here.  Hope everyone had an AWESOME holiday season and a good new year. If you are reading this congrats you made it to 2014.

Now I want to address something that has utterly irks me.  This "Side Chick Movement."

Let’s jump back in time for a minute. 

Since as long as we can remember there have been mistresses and unfaithful partners. Now I can’t speak back to the days of Marilyn Monroe and how that all played out when she was a mistress but one thing that has irked me beyond belief is that today  (2014)  being a “mistress” or “other woman” is glorified.

Is this a new concept? Well of course not!

HOWEVER, now it’s like the “in” thing and it’s pushed on us as acceptable to be the new age “Side Chick.”

We see celebrities who have been exposed as side chicks who have broken up marriages. Now of course those celebrities have the same excuses as the average side chick they are no different.  They say things like “I couldn't take him if he wasn't ready to go” or “that’s on him not me, not my problem.”  etc, that's crap you are both as wrong as two left shoes!!

I’m sorry what the hell kind of retarded thinking is that?!

Talk about lack of respect for yourself. I guess I would hope you would love yourself enough to know you deserve a whole man not a piece of someone else’s. Why would you even want that for yourself? There are enough single men without you going for one that’s involved.

Now that it has become such a glorified deal Hollywood is cashing in on it with shows like Scandal, Being Mary Jane, where these successful women who seem strong fall super weak in the relationship category by taking the side chick seat to married men. 

Also, music makes it the cool thing to do. Songs about side chicks and faithful ones at that. They demean us and we seem to be OK with that.  Just listen to this song below. This song talks about he takes care of his side chick and his wife knows about her etc.  Side chicks are basically OK with sharing and can be bought. I don't know about you but nothing about this or this song is cute to me.  This isn't the first song about the side chicks they date back and are in all genres. Sugarland has a song called Stay, Shirley Murdock back in the 80's had As We Lay, about a woman who knew she was with someone else's man but she had him for that one night and she was emotional about it.  This is not a new problem but now is no longer seen as a problem but not it's seen as the "cool and acceptable" thing.

Now I know there are some situations that take place where one may not be aware she is a side chick. I’m not referring to that group but I will say this… in some instances YOU ALL KNOW!!! STOP being blind all the signs are there that you are a side piece but you insist that he loves you etc. C’mon WAKE UP!!

Then there are the some women that seek out married men that way they don’t have to be committed and get them to take care of them financially and buy them things etc…. ok *PAUSE*

WHAT THE ENTIRE EFF SERIOUSLY?!

Ladies, are we only worth what someone can buy us? Are we so desperate for love that we will lure another woman’s man into our bed? Is our self-respect so low that we will forego being seen in public, spending holidays etc  because he is married?!

Meanwhile, let me let you in on something men are loving it!! They have jokes for days.  Not all of them but a lot of them are LOVING every minute of it. in this day and age they can have an eager side chick that will sleep with them and in some cases take care of them financially and shower them with gifts but always stay in her place.  On the side quiet as a mouse. Just thinking about it blows me away.  BLOWS ME AWAY.

Then there is the one who has really fallen for the taken man. You are patiently waiting for him to leave his wife or significant other for you. You are all faithful to him, and then get upset when you find out there is another side chick and that he isn't being faithful to you.

WELL DAMN hello he isn't being faithful to his WIFE or Girlfriend.  This is I think one of the worst case of unhealthy delusion.  Well let’s entertain this for a second…he leaves her for you.  Now you cannot tell me that you are secure with him. You know what he is capable of so then you become captain insecurity which isn't healthy at all. Hey just look at Fantasia. There are a few cases that seem to have worked out but that is what we see on the outside, but why even go through all that unnecessarily.

Also, let me address this as well. Is it all our fault and men have no part in it. NOPE, not saying that at all but right now I am only speaking for my own gender. Speaking to my sisters no matter the age, color etc. I know we can do better, I know we can want better, I know we deserve better. 

THE SIDE CHICK REVOLUTION MUST END!!

There are signs that you must pay attention to when you are dating someone that will tell you if they are trying to put you on the side chick team. 

• He hits you with the “I need my time and space”, this leaves the door open to come and go as he pleases.  He will expect you to wait in the wings. If not, you will be dismissed as being to clingy, pushy etc. If this happens, count it as a blessing that you dodged a bullet and move on.

• When you call you get sent to voice mail instantly. This is going to be in a time-frame when you know he is most likely available, not while you know he is working or something of that nature.  You may get an instant follow up text saying “can’t talk now, call you later.” Now do people get busy, of course! This is example is for extreme cases meaning this happens more often than not. Just pay attention.

Here are some other indicators as blogged by  www.seriously-maybe.com:

His phone is usually uncharged, about to die or out of service 
If 90% of the time you call him it goes straight to voicemail, you’re the side chick. This correlates to his phone never ringing. He could be with someone else at the time and can’t pick up the phone to talk to you, so he turns it off. No one carries around a dead phone all the time.

His compliments are focused around physical appearance
If the only nice things he has to say about you is centered around the way you look or your performance, you’re the sexy side chick. This guy is obviously only into you for your body. Most people think that guys are one track minded, so compliments only surrounding sex, make sense. But the truth is that we actually think about other stuff too. So if you say something somewhat intelligent and his reply is, “Your lips are so cute” chances are you’re not the chick that he listens to.

Dates are never last minute
If ALL your dates are planned at least a week in advanced, he has other chicks on his schedule. He probably sets aside a day just for his side chicks. If you’re not already in the books for that day on the current week, he makes you wait until the following week, before he’s “free” again.

Dates are closer to your home/work than his
If you’ve never been out to a place that’s in the vicinity of his job or home, you’re the side chick. He never takes you to those places because he doesn’t want to risk the chance of running into something that may know about his other chick(s). Next time you go out with him, suggest a place near his home and see he what says.

He’s never disappointed angry upset when you cancel on him
If he could care less whether he sees you are not, you’re the side chick. Things come up all the time and you may have to cancel a date with him. If he is too cool about not seeing you, he definitely has someone else to occupy his time.

Masetv.com  blogs a list of traits as well, some of the following which I find to be accurate.

He tells you that he doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day or really do holidays. In some instances this may be true but more often than not, A LIE.

He has absolutely NO pictures of you, or with you, on his Facebook or Instagram page. If someone can go to your social profile and see a variety of pics of you with him, and go to his page and find only his selfies and bro pics, then know for sure that he doesn’t have you listed as his first priority.  Now my caveat to this  one is really only accurate if a person is active on social media some people really are not, however again keep an eye out but don’t be a stalker just pay attention and observe.

There are no dates….you only visit his bedroom and go home. Let me add or he comes and chills at your place.

He only contacts you when he wants something.

@JoannaSimkin on twitter tweets you may be a side chick if he says:

“It’s not that I don’t want people to know about us, I just don’t like my personal business in the streets is all.”

Now after all that if you still are not sure if you are side chick here is another link that may help:

http://brotherswithnogame.com/blog/signs-you-may-just-be-the-side-chick/

Ladies, we are STRONG, we are FIERCE. Let me leave you with a question.

At what point does this stop? Or does it? At what point do we feel we are worth more?

Demand respect!

Yup, that's me

This is just my opinion on the subject and I could on and on but just wanted to let that all out and see what you all think. Feel free to chime in.

Blog ya later!

New Age Dating Controversy..Hang Out or Not to Hang Out

Hey there guys! How are ya?! I sure hope everything is going well in your worlds.
You thought it would be another 6 months before I blogged didn't you? AHA well ha ha look at me.  Ok, well enough shooting the breeze just wanted to get some stuff off my chest or at least post about it and open this up for discussion.  I had a discussion with some of my G+ friends regarding the topic I am about to address. This blog is just me getting my thoughts out and maybe gaining some insight from you all, if you actually decide to comment! *hint hint*

Ok so if you have read any of my previous blogs you know about my adventures in dating. Well now, let me take that back it's been around but become more IN MY FACE it's the subject of, wait for iiiiittttttttt...Dating vs. Hanging Out.

Ok now once upon a time I thought the two to be the same thing if you just met the person. 

Well apparently that is no longer the case.  Now guys apparently just want to hang out vs go on a date.  What this usually means in my recent experiences is they...

A) Want you to come "hang out" with them at their place.
B) Want to come "hang out" at your place.
C) Go out but we are dutch and essentially are new "friends" (but they expect "benefits")

Umm well ok.  Now, I get the "go out with someone with no strings attached stance" because well we are getting to know one another, GOT IT. That is perfectly fine and expected! However, I guess my issues are well frankly, "I DON'T KNOW YOU!!"

What makes you think I am just going to come over to your house?! You know how many crazy people there are these days?!... and that goes for you coming to my place too.  Also, what that says is YOU'RE LAZY and maybe even CHEAP (and that's saying a lot coming from penny pinching me) and perhaps are only after one thing and I can tell ya now...AIN'T HAPPENIN!!

Now am I a saint?  NO,  but I do have some standards. After all we just met, right?  Now as far as (C) going out and going dutch...honestly, I have no issues with that.  Because if we "hang out" and there is nothing there I don't feel obligated in the least to when I am done eating or drinking that cup of coffee, I can say thanks for your time and move on along.  There will be no benefits though, let me clarify there will be no benefits regardless. Now with this said my expectations for you would now be pretty low. 

I am by no means a gold digger etc.  However, if  someone asks me out on a date it holds a lot more weight with me. It says to me,  hey I like you I want to get to know you and I have designated this time to spend with you and I have put some effort in to thinking of a time, place and activity for us to do together.  That by no means in my mind means we are about to get serious.  It just says to me, Toya this person thinks you are worth the effort and the interest is real. Versus the lazy invitation to come "chill at their place and watch a movie." Don't get me wrong been there done and ehh learned from it.  That is whack.  I guess I am in a place of now take time and effort and not settle for that laziness at first meetings.

I have been made to feel that my thinking is "old fashioned" and "outdated" one word...Really?! Really?! In fact, is wanting a guy to put forth an effort me being old fashioned and having too high standards? Oh, man!! I'm doomed!! 

Now are there instances where you would hang out (in a group, sporting event etc)? Yes, but I am speaking to that first one on one meeting with that person since that initial meeting and exchange of phone numbers be it in person, online or whatever. I have read several articles and blogs regarding hanging out vs. dating.  Some say it's a matter of terms, other say it's all about how the guy feels about girl. 

So many hidden meanings, so much... crap frankly.  Are guys afraid to go out on a limb and date someone for fear of rejection? Are they just trying to build up a bank of booty calls...I mean what is it?  When I hang out I do so with my friends...but if I hang out in the same fashion with a new guy. Odds are he will think well geez she put no effort forth at all and I was not the center of attention when I was with her, so she must not be interested. Then my response will be wait, what? We are hanging out as friends no expectations right? So you won't mind that I send texts, or answer phones calls etc while we are hanging out right, meet you straight dressed down? Well I mean that is what I do with my friends when we hang out. So which is it? 

What do you guys think? I'm somewhat at a loss here. Is hanging out different than dating? If so, how? If you disagree or have a different understanding of the two please enlighten me. Ok, well I just wanted to get that out and see what you guys think...let me know I'll be interested in reading your comments. 

Is my thinking old fashioned and outdated?

Well talk to you guys later I hope to hear from you guys on this topic...

 

Have a good week :)

Adventures on a Dating Site

Hello my lovely readers...you are looking mighty fine!

OK so I thought I would experiment on a pretty well known dating website (which shall remain nameless).  A friend of mine met her beau on the site and suggested I give it a shot.  Well me being the wild rebel I am I thought..."eh what hey."


So the results of this experiment have been a lot things, humorous, weird, interesting oh did I mention humorous.  I am saying all this and you are reading, "like well dang it Toya tell us what happened.  What have you come across?"

Well calm down, I'll get to it but first let me kinda tell you how this thing goes in case you have never been on an online dating site or ever looked at one.  First, you create an account of course and from there you fill out some demographic information along with your basic likes and preferences etc.  You then upload your pictures and include a short bio about yourself.

Once you do all that you have an option of completing a more extensive personality assessment for the site to give you more compatible matches (*I'm snickering right now*).  OK yeah I didn't do the extra hour long assessment..yeah no thanks!

Let's see *cracks knuckles* let me see, where to begin...well once I was all set up. I got a mass amount of emails from various daters who were interested in my profile.  Ok, first of all I wasn't even on the site an hour and I had like 11 emails.

From those interested, I learned a few things...main thing is...THEY DIDN'T READ MY PROFILE. Yes, sorry I was yelling. On my profile I listed my hobbies, things important to me all that jazz along with my demographic information.


Well bachelor #1's first question was "Hey Sexy, you look hella good, how old are you?" umm ok folks (my face is like o_O) ... first that introduction, secondly how old am I? That's like the first thing listed under your username! So guess what he got...I'll tell you...no response, that's what!










Bachelor #2 In my profile I clearly listed I prefer guys within a certain age range. Welp, another NON READER...this guy looked like he was old enough to be my grandfather only Caucasian and looks like he goes Harley Riding with ZZ TOP.  Now while he was polite he clearly didn't read the ages listed in which he clearly was not in the range of.








Bachelor #3 He decides to type to me like this... "hEy BeAuTiFuL hOw iZ u DoIn" ummm yeah no words for that.... I was mad his message gave me a mini damn migraine so I just deleted it and moved on.





Bachelor #4  (Ok please note...this is a true story) He was nice and all but after we exchanged messages back and forth for oh about 4 cycles (him, me, him, me, him) He decided to say and I quote "I love ass, I mean really love it, everything about it the smell the look the taste, I love to eat ass!"
Ummm yeah ok yeah I know close your mouth! I was like that too thinking "WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT" anyways I guess he thought I would be somehow responsive to that.
Well folks...couple issues with that, *ahem* first of all why would you tell me that after like a 2 min conversation.
Secondly, even if I found that out later on...one word, EWWWWWW.  Ol boo boo chip mouth boy.  That would mess up a relationship I'm telling you! How, well everytime you kiss him you think his face has been planted inside someones butt cheeks and eating boo boo chips...that's a big fat fail...NNNNEEEXXXXTTTTTTTT!!!
                                                         

Those are just a few examples oh how I can go on! But I will now go over some common pit falls to avoid when looking around on dating sites.  Here are things to look for...men and women!

• FAKE PICTURES! Beware, they will Photoshop pictures.  Make themselves have abs that are not there. Make themselves thinner than what they are. Make themselves have hair lol

                                                        

• Far away pictures...ok far away pictures most likely mean they don't want you to see something orrrrrrr let's be honest they are less than attractive
• Fake Facades: pictures of people with their prize possessions (car, motorcycles, purses, make up etc)...the pictures of them holding money always cracks me up!

                                                         

• People lie! Just a fact of life. A person will say their build is 'average or athletic build' well when you see a real life pic or them in real life they are one Twinkie away from obesity

                                                                  

• Some will say they are single and they are not.
• Some will say they don't have children and they do.
• They have this fabulous job when in fact they don't have one at all or not one as glorified as they claim.
• People who have photos up from 2002...umm hello it's almost 2013
• One that cracks me up is when they take these picture they swear are sexy but they turn out to be a failure in every since of the word.

Now fear not it's not all bad, but there are a lot of yahoo's to watch out for.  One thing I will say is just take your time. Take it slow and listen and pay attention to  the conversation.  Read between the lines sometimes.

As for me, I have met some nice folks on the site but for one reason or another mainly I think on my part they fall into the friend zone.  I am the first to admit...
                                                         

Hey there don't go judging me.

OOoooooh look at the time...gotta run!

Blog ya later!

                                                               

I'm bbbaaaaaaccckkkkkkk

Well, well, well here so we meet again (I just pronounced it while typing A Gain in my English accent…) oh at any rate…

How the hell are ya?!
How have you been…do tell!
I really will read how you have been in comments…I promise. I hope you all have been super awesome!

Anyways, well let’s see your wondering where I have been and why have I been M.I.A…oooooooor maybe not; just ran across my blog like yeah what is this? Well if you were wondering I have just been a little procrastinator and didn't think anyone really wanted to read what I had to say… then I logged on and saw I had 10k plus hits and was thinking well someone likes me.

Face it we all like to feel liked! If you say you don’t care, you’re lying.

Now, if this is your first time here…WELCOME. Have a seat and hope you enjoy!

Perhaps after reading my last blog post you think I rode off into my happily ever after in love and stuff… YEA NO! Didn't happen…all I will say is that getting “to know you” stage is crucial and sometimes when you get to know a person you realize not only are you not on the same page, but you’re not even in the same book or the same bookstore for that matter.


Hey no heart feelings but I had to keep it moving.

My ankle surgery was a success I believe I mentioned that to you all…I have a pretty gnarly Frankenstein looking scar as the lady at the gym referred to it. I have bounced back…not quite 100% as in jumping but running etc and even began wearing heels a little. Ok, so enough about that snoozeville stuff!

I just wanted to make a quick entry to say hey and let you know that more craziness is coming back! Since I have been hitting the gym 4 days a week I have witnessed a lot more!

I'll have to share it with you all…not to mention the dating game. Which by the ways sucks some of the males I have come across…whoa buddy! Funny but not funny..psshhhh ok let me stop funny!
Ok ok let me go so I can start on the blog to tell you guys about crazy personalities I have now come across at the gym. We will talk about it all and then some. I promise. Glad to be back...I must give Kudos for my friend Kim Barnes who inspired me to get back on it! Kim's Bama blog is hilarious yet very true as well it can be found on my blog links its called the Bama Blog.

K,Blog ya later

I Would Much Rather Shampoo My Hair with My Eyes Taped Open Letting the Shampoo Burn my Corneas' vs. Dating…Part 2 to I Would Much Rather Rip Out My Toenails vs. Dating Again...Life After Break Up or Divorce

*This blog post is dedicated to #94 who has never really left my side and has always been encouraging to me*

Well, here I am doing a part 2 to a blog post I did over a year ago…

Figured it was time to update you all…wait…not that you care but yeah, yeah my blog so you are forced to read! *evil laugh* mwhahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ok well let’s see guess you can say I tried all the things in the post previously so let’s recap from that shall we… 

First encounter

 Meeting someone at a store…well as I instructed at the end of that blog.  Don’t go looking let that person find you.  Here goes…

Well, I went into a local auto parts store in search of an item.  Well there was a certain gentleman who walked by and smiled.  Guess you could say he caught my eye.  Well of course me being the lady I am (psshh LOL I’m a total tomboy) *ahem* anyways I just smiled back.  I went about finding what I needed and proceeded to exit the store when all of a sudden I heard in a Latino accent “Bonita” well, well I thought hmmm I know what that means… (Beautiful) and I looked back and he was waving…I stopped we conversed. OK, blah, blah went on a date yada yada…Ok you wanna know how this turned out…

Happily ever after!! YYYYEAAAHHHHH RRIIIGGGHHHTTT NO!!! Stalker type! RED ALERT..RED ALERT. Nice dude but boy he was super dee duper clingy like a pair of jean after a water ride! 

For example, after one date you call me mid date at work saying “I MIIIIISSSSS YOOOOUUUUU”…ok I was holding the phone at work with this facial expression o_O like really? You have got to be kidding me?

After several attempts of evasiveness, unreturned phone calls, unanswered texts I finally again told him AGAIN, yeah I don’t think I’m ready for all this (which I really don’t think I was but even so after 1 day! Are you friggin kidding me #fail).

Next up:  Friend Set up

So I was chatting it up with an old friend and she was saying “hey I know a great guy for you.”  Me thinking to myself ummmm did I ask for you to set me up? In me, saying “hey what’s going on you with you did I inadvertently say “please set me up?” No? Ok I didn’t think so…anyways moving on along.  I said ok fine, whatever, who is he blah blah so she says can I give him your number…I say you most certainly cannot.  I said but you can give him my Google voice number (I shall go over this very important necessity at the end of this blog post). Anyways so he text and emailed me a picture…ok wwweeeeeelllll red flag number one.  The picture of was him far off sitting down! Whenever someone takes a picture that far off they are hiding something. Well I know what it was here…anyways. So I said well how you would describe yourself.  He said 6’2, tall (ok no kidding you said 6’2 anyways), ATHLETIC BUILD, honest, homebody etc.  I thought yeah ok. So he asked me out to lunch since we work in close proximity to one another.  Sure set up a meeting lunch date.  These are perfect! Why you ask I’ll tell you why because you have an hour to get to know someone. If you’re not feeling them then you can look forward to that hour ending vs. being on a date with an endless night all awkward.  Well first we met…remember a lil while ago I said he described himself as ATHLETIC BUILD…

Well apparently that was back in high school because this guy was two Twinkies from obesity!! Next up he said he was a homebody…the entire time he talked about clubs and liquor…two things that don’t excite me. So as I sat there trying not to be rude but man I was totally bored about of my mind.

You know after that I was like eh blah blah a few dates with others here and there.  Not bad guys but not anything I want and I felt I wasn’t ready and you know sometime we have to stop and be patient. Don’t force it. Let God guide us. Sometimes it takes us to be alone  and content with ourselves  to understand that! 

One main thing that I’ve had during my split and all other crap  is a really good friend! Actually the best friend in the world besides family.  When I went through everything he was there…I sat and thought about it and wow. Always a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. When I needed to be critiqued he or corrected he did so even if I got an attitude.  When I cried or was angry he was still there. Very attentive etc it’s funny how we take those things for granted.  Funny thing is I then developed feelings which then made me push him away and did things uncharacteristic of myself all to protect myself.  Well folks that’s what fear will do to you! Not proud of it but…is what it is I guess.

However, we recently had a conversation about Faith…and what that really means.  Faith I explained, is just believing. Well …this post will be a way I should you how one can step out on Faith…and say…

#94 you have been the bestest friend a girl could have…you have every trait that I want in a man and put up with me when you could have just written me off! Of course none of us are perfect…Lord knows I’m not. I have prayed long and hard on this and I know it’s time for me to step out on Faith as I speak about so often. Now,  I have made mistakes and not handled things in the best manner but I sure hope you have forgiven me. 

Ok, now I say all that to say this folks! Keep faith the one for you is looking for you or better yet look around he/she may be already by your side! Don’t wait til it’s too late! …Oh wait..I forgot to give you info to the dating must have…a lil invention called...

Google Voice is awesome…it allows you to have a phone number... whatever number you want that will ring to your phone or whatever phone you specify.  The beauty in it is the person never really truly has your phone number (also great for when you are signing up for stuff online etc) .  You can go online or use the mobile  app on your phone to block, text, get vmails etc. It’s awesome! Here is a link if you want to try it out…best of all its FREE!! https://www.google.com/voice

Blog ya later!!