Laughter Heals So Here Are 2 Pick Me Up's!

Hey guys sup *head nod up* (see that I'm hardcore & cool)...

Ha ha looks whose back... awwwww ficky ficky yeah twice in a week!


Eh well I said I would be back! So here I am.  Now this will be a not so serious post like the last travesty that I had to address.  At any rate, the last couple weeks I have been exposed to two little gems that I must say have introduced a new level of silly humor into my life! I have been spreading the words to share in the laughter...and so far so good!! So let's get right to it shall we?

The first little gem was introduced to me in a weird late night Voxer message from one of my best buds...Lorraine. She said you have got to read this book!!! It is hilarious!!!!  So of course I asked what is it about, then I asked the name.  Well when Lorraine said the book is called... *waaaaaiiit for it* Emails from An A%#hole ,  oh yeah I was intrigued.  
Inside I thought, yup that has funny all over it BUT wait, with a title like that the title may be the best thing about it.  So, I got the book to check it out and see for myself it was really THAT funny.  

Ok so I read it in like two days, I think I would have read it one expect for the minor asthma attacks of laughter I had and massive pools of tears coming from my eyes!!

OOOHHHHHHH EEEEEMMMMMMM GGEEEEEEEEEE this book was super hilarious! It all started from a website dontevenreply.com.
HA! Now you are intrigued and want to know what the book is about...well here is a brief summary because I totally don't want to ruin it for you.

When John Lindsay launched DontEvenReply.com in June 2009, it became an instant sensation. With 60% of the book featuring entirely new material never before available on the website, Emails from an Asshole offers fans a fresh opportunity to revel in people's gullibility. Posing as a customer or seller, Lindsay responded to a variety of classified ads, making ridiculous offers to unsuspecting victims. Their responses, and the ensuing conversations, will have readers simultaneously laughing non-stop and gasping with disbelief.

Also, John has plenty more stories on his site www.dontevenreply.com which should also listed on the links on my site here. :)  You can get the book at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, Apple Store and the Android Play Store.  

This gets two thumbs up from me and I think you should buy or download it today! Thanks Lorraine for the recommendation!!! You rock as always!  If you guys read some of his stuff, please let me know how you like it. The very first story in the book is one of my favorites and the Paraplegic Mover.

Alright now that you are ready to make that purchase or visit your nearest torrent site to download let's move on to the next little gem of humor I was introduced to this past weekend. The game is called...wait for it...CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY.  Ever heard of it? HA, yeah me neither until my ol buddy Justin invited me to his lil kick ass birthday soiree, in which the evening began with drinks and Card Against Humanity.

Now show of hands how many your have ever heard of or played this game?

Great well Cards Against Humanity is just like this...NOT!! Ok ok well the game play is the same but the cards...oh buddy are so not PG and  Prude friendly. 

 If you are easily offended then Cards Against Humanity is not for you!

Oh wait let me back up...some people haven't play Apples to Apples either so here is a brief idea of how to play (although there are many variations). In the game you are dealt certain number of cards (usually 7 or 10). On those cards nouns or proper nouns are listed. You then have another stack of cards (green cards in Apples and Black cards in Cards Against Humanity).  Well the players take turns picking from that pile from their they read the sentence on the card and all other players then complete the sentence with the card they thing that person will pick (answers usually are creative, funny appealing to the person who has the sentence card). The person with the sentence card picks the answer they like best and which ever player put it down gets that stack..at the end of the game players with the most cards wins. Ok, that is it in a nutshell minus a few idiosyncrasies.

Well with Card Against Humanity well first of all the box is already offensive because you segregate cards the black cards and the white cards...the answers on those cards OMG hilarious! Some of them are actually normal but then the questions are crazy! You will see how crazy your friends are... 

This game was a straight up winner and a must purchase for adult gatherings!! You can purchase the game at www.CardsAgainstHumanity.com  also if you want to try it out, you can actually download the cards and print them out and play...that seems a little weird playing with slips of paper but eh to each his own!

My rating for Cards Against Humanity...Thanks Justin...buddy you sir are awesome! Anyways my rating is...

But seriously again, make these apart of your week and I guarantee you will crack up laughing and as we all know laughter heals the soul!! We cannot be serious ALL the time these two little gems blessed me with some laughter so I thought I would pass them along to you.  If you play let me know how you like.  I think there is a Card Against Humanity App or similar in the Android Playstore I'm going to try to get some friends to play if they can break away from Ruzzle lol!!

Ok well gotta go but please let me know what you think of these two!

Laters!

Our Trip to the Zoo with the Animals Not In Cages...

Hey everybody!!! Guess who!

Long time no see...I know,  I know, well here let me make up for it *sucks in a huge breath and...* HappyThankgivingMerryChristmasHappyNewYearHappyMLKdayHappyValentinesDayHappyStPatricksDayandHappyEaster... *huge exhale* Ok, got that out the way so...we good? Well hell, so what if we are not I just said happy everything I've had stuff going on and so have you (lol). Surely you can understand that?! AAATTTTTTTTTT any rate, I have thought about you guys...well things I should share with you but based on my laziness/lack of a decent laptop I just haven't. Before you ask no still no decent laptop just making due with the ol netbook :)

This past weekend was Free Day at the zoo here in Kansas City.  Sounds awesome right?! ENNNHHHHHHH WRONG!!
The trip yesterday to the Zoo with my daughter was hooooooooorrible.   The zoo was already packed which was to be expected because honestly whenever something is free people tend to flock. 







 You go expecting to see cute and cuddly stuff like this:

But we ended up seeing this, seriously:

Now the crowd was one thing, inching along and everyone wants to try and see the various animals and exhibits but to be honest that wasn't it.  *SIGH*  How can I say this, the whole experience took me through three emotions. 

Visual of the three stages I went through...

• Humor
• Sadness
• Frustration/Anger

Let me just tell you about some of what we experienced. From the time we go through the front entrance gates to the time we sat down for a snack and went to several exhibits etc. One group was prevalent black folks hangs head low oh dear sweet baby Jesus clenches fist like an old lady in church, MY PEOPLE MY PEOPLE!! we wonder why we have a such a bad name…of course not everyone was acting up but I am not exaggerating when I say about 70% were cutting up.  I mean it was everything from parents cussing out their kids, to encouraging them to climb on stuff that had no business (exhibits), chasing some of the free roaming animals. In one instance, a little boy was chasing a free roaming goose to hit it. The mother was laughing and videotaping. 
The thing is if that goose would have come after the little boy she would have been wanting to sue the zoo. 

We were riding the tram back up the entrance and a group of teenagers were walking along the path well one of them (had to be anywhere from 16-18 yrs old) decided he was going to run alongside the tram and jump on while rapping Lil Wayne. So here this lil fool is right at our row standing hold on the tram. Mini me was like o_O seriously?! So on our row was another black mother and her two twins about the same age as mini me.  She shook her head and said so ignorant! SO then the zoo officials walking on the path saw this fool hanging off and yell get on or get off you shouldn't be no there! So he decided he was going to try and crawl in on our row. I said with a serious ASS face! Oh not today you not! You will not be coming in on this row. So he said well they told me to get on or get off…I said oh well try to get on and I will push you off and the other lady said and I will help her.  So he maneuvers up a couple row and jumps in with some preteens.  Of course you know I would include an illustration :)

This is the Tram

The dude was there shown in blue and we were sitting oh about here (where the finger is pointing)

Next thing we knew he ran up and jumped on

Notice in this reenactment my face...yup this is about right

Now, by the time we go to the tram station, he gets off and was twirling his twists (hair) while … (get this no lie) sucking his thumb and grabbing his saggy pants. Now he's looking silly because his friends were way back.  This was only some of the disappointment we witnessed on our free trip to the zoo!  There were people in club attire, one lady had on a see through top boobs hanging all out, see through pants with thongs.  THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE GEEZ LOUISE!!!!! There were also a couple fights because someone cut in line! Really PEOPLE…really?!  Think I am exaggerating of course I have included a clip. It was an overall loss yesterday, however, of course it was a good teaching tool I used with my daughter. Then people get mad when they are treated liked clowns and heathens...well stop acting like it then! 

http://news.yahoo.com/video/police-break-fights-kansas-city-231819276.html

Ok well, gotta run!! TTYL I'll be back this week there is this awesome game and book I was exposed to recently that was pure comedy and fun!

Laters!!

Adventures on a Dating Site

Hello my lovely readers...you are looking mighty fine!

OK so I thought I would experiment on a pretty well known dating website (which shall remain nameless).  A friend of mine met her beau on the site and suggested I give it a shot.  Well me being the wild rebel I am I thought..."eh what hey."


So the results of this experiment have been a lot things, humorous, weird, interesting oh did I mention humorous.  I am saying all this and you are reading, "like well dang it Toya tell us what happened.  What have you come across?"

Well calm down, I'll get to it but first let me kinda tell you how this thing goes in case you have never been on an online dating site or ever looked at one.  First, you create an account of course and from there you fill out some demographic information along with your basic likes and preferences etc.  You then upload your pictures and include a short bio about yourself.

Once you do all that you have an option of completing a more extensive personality assessment for the site to give you more compatible matches (*I'm snickering right now*).  OK yeah I didn't do the extra hour long assessment..yeah no thanks!

Let's see *cracks knuckles* let me see, where to begin...well once I was all set up. I got a mass amount of emails from various daters who were interested in my profile.  Ok, first of all I wasn't even on the site an hour and I had like 11 emails.

From those interested, I learned a few things...main thing is...THEY DIDN'T READ MY PROFILE. Yes, sorry I was yelling. On my profile I listed my hobbies, things important to me all that jazz along with my demographic information.


Well bachelor #1's first question was "Hey Sexy, you look hella good, how old are you?" umm ok folks (my face is like o_O) ... first that introduction, secondly how old am I? That's like the first thing listed under your username! So guess what he got...I'll tell you...no response, that's what!










Bachelor #2 In my profile I clearly listed I prefer guys within a certain age range. Welp, another NON READER...this guy looked like he was old enough to be my grandfather only Caucasian and looks like he goes Harley Riding with ZZ TOP.  Now while he was polite he clearly didn't read the ages listed in which he clearly was not in the range of.








Bachelor #3 He decides to type to me like this... "hEy BeAuTiFuL hOw iZ u DoIn" ummm yeah no words for that.... I was mad his message gave me a mini damn migraine so I just deleted it and moved on.





Bachelor #4  (Ok please note...this is a true story) He was nice and all but after we exchanged messages back and forth for oh about 4 cycles (him, me, him, me, him) He decided to say and I quote "I love ass, I mean really love it, everything about it the smell the look the taste, I love to eat ass!"
Ummm yeah ok yeah I know close your mouth! I was like that too thinking "WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT" anyways I guess he thought I would be somehow responsive to that.
Well folks...couple issues with that, *ahem* first of all why would you tell me that after like a 2 min conversation.
Secondly, even if I found that out later on...one word, EWWWWWW.  Ol boo boo chip mouth boy.  That would mess up a relationship I'm telling you! How, well everytime you kiss him you think his face has been planted inside someones butt cheeks and eating boo boo chips...that's a big fat fail...NNNNEEEXXXXTTTTTTTT!!!
                                                         

Those are just a few examples oh how I can go on! But I will now go over some common pit falls to avoid when looking around on dating sites.  Here are things to look for...men and women!

• FAKE PICTURES! Beware, they will Photoshop pictures.  Make themselves have abs that are not there. Make themselves thinner than what they are. Make themselves have hair lol

                                                        

• Far away pictures...ok far away pictures most likely mean they don't want you to see something orrrrrrr let's be honest they are less than attractive
• Fake Facades: pictures of people with their prize possessions (car, motorcycles, purses, make up etc)...the pictures of them holding money always cracks me up!

                                                         

• People lie! Just a fact of life. A person will say their build is 'average or athletic build' well when you see a real life pic or them in real life they are one Twinkie away from obesity

                                                                  

• Some will say they are single and they are not.
• Some will say they don't have children and they do.
• They have this fabulous job when in fact they don't have one at all or not one as glorified as they claim.
• People who have photos up from 2002...umm hello it's almost 2013
• One that cracks me up is when they take these picture they swear are sexy but they turn out to be a failure in every since of the word.

Now fear not it's not all bad, but there are a lot of yahoo's to watch out for.  One thing I will say is just take your time. Take it slow and listen and pay attention to  the conversation.  Read between the lines sometimes.

As for me, I have met some nice folks on the site but for one reason or another mainly I think on my part they fall into the friend zone.  I am the first to admit...
                                                         

Hey there don't go judging me.

OOoooooh look at the time...gotta run!

Blog ya later!

                                                               

Another Day at the Gym...

Well as promised here I am again…happy to see me? Well I’m happy you decided to check in on little ol me.  So as I was telling you all I have been back hitting the gym pretty hard I go at least 4 times a week.  Twice I week I go to a gym right next door to my job and two days a week I go to a gym near my home.  The two gyms while similar are different as well in their own regard.  The characteristics that we talked about before are still around…however, now being an avid goer I have noticed other gym characters.

Stinker…ok so we discussed this before the musty and overly funky guys. The ones that probably stank to high hell before they even came into the gym. Well ALAS they have been matched there are WOMEN who smell like grown funky men! NOW I know what you’re thinking what do you expect it’s a gym people are going to be stinky.  OK please know I get that and I understand…I feel you.  I'm sure when I am there I don’t smell like a bed of roses but, PLEASE NOTE and please hear what I’m saying here and feel my pain…there is no way I should be running on the treadmill and you are a row back and two machines over and I can smell your funky tail! C’mon you can’t tell me that isn’t crazy and again THIS IS A WOMAN (true story at the work gym). Even the guys cringe like geez.  I really think she needs to get checked out by her primary care physician. I’m just saying that’s crazy!

Puddle Leaver…

Now if you visit a gym sometimes or on a regular basis you know that it is courteous to wipe down the equipment when you are done.  So if I get done with a weight machines, bike or treadmill etc then I should either

 A) Wipe it down with my towel OR 

B) Use the cleaner the gym has to wipe the equipment off for the next person to use.

Well yeah I guess I come across the ones who were horrible at following directions as a kid…because I get to some machines and the small pools of sweat left behind…yeah not that's not hot! Do you want to hear something really crazy…well at the other gym by work well the same lady stinky is horrible at this! She doesn’t wipe anything off and BAM we know everywhere she has been. Baptized in the funk I tell ya! So when you guys go please wipe the stuff off!

I’m sure you all have seen the Beauty Queen/Poser this would be the one who comes in the gym with full make up on and hair down or all done up. Ok, now if that’s what you choose to do on purpose to come to the gym that’s fine but if you are working out all that crap is going to begin to run all down in your eyes and just have you looking like your melting.

You also have the poser…I just started seeing this recently myself but not really much before….woman all in the mirror at the gym like…

 What are you doing? You're supposed to be working out lol. Ladies, you know what, actually fella’s do it too thus they show up on your Facebook pages except they don’t be in  the mirror posting with duck faces…..

Ladies please stop or not and I can keep laughing! LOL

Ok the let me get off the characteristics for just a second (we will come back to it I promise)…but I have to cover the subject of gym equipment and weight. An important part of gym etiquette at least in my book is when you are done with a weight machine you should take the pin out or remove the weight.  I mean I know I’m bufft and all LOL but yeah when I get on a machine and go to do an exercise odds are I can’t handle the 2,000 lbs you guys left on. That one isn't that big a deal unless you are using a free weight machine then it's rather annoying.

Ok moving on along something else that I see that frankly cracks me up is…is…sorry I was giggling. Ok ok let me get it together…

People, when you are new to the whole workout thing please learn how to properly use the equipment otherwise everyone quietly laughs at you…you won’t see us but we snicker and it comes out typically with just a smile and bless their hearts. They are as serious as a heart attack. I saw a guy on this glute machine that looks like this…

OK  when you get on the machine your stomach/chest should be at the pad and you push back to work your glutes like so….

Well, bless his heart lol this guy decided to put his back on the pad and try to push with his foot facing the other way.  Well he couldn't really do it because it wasn't made to do that, he was sweating up a storm and about to dislocate his knee. I was watching from a chest press machine trying not to bust out laughing.  I gained my composure and just walked over and pointed to the picture on the machine. 

*side note* normally all work out equipment in the gym as a graphic of some sort to show you how to work that particular piece of equipment. 

He then just looked at me and I walked off with music blasting in my ears and headed to another machine.

In the same breath as it relates to using weights in the gym…If you can do like 200 reps of something in like 30 seconds odd it’s too light and you need to add more weight! This guy walks by me grinning like I’m supposed to be impressed (I wasn't thinking about him I was getting my work out on) anyways he goes over to do lat pulls like you see below…

 I swear the weight I used is more than that…and he grabbed the bar and no joke did like turbo reps and warp speed…I’m like that can’t possibly be doing anything geez buddy, I know sometimes you can go lighter weight and more reps but that was such a waste of time. Then he looks back and me and smiles and I just had a look like o_O , I have to be honest I usually see more women doing this then men.

On the other side of things having too much weight. You have to push yourself…ok I get that but not to the point that you hurt yourself. Or the weight is pulling you around.  This poor guy was using this pull down machine like you see here:

…it’s not funny but it is lol..he had so much weight he had to stand up and almost swing to pull the weight down…well when he goes to go up with the rep before pulling it back down…the weight pulled him up out of his seat and almost ripped his arms out the socket. Let me be honest. I laughed out loud at him,  don’t judge me! He looked over at me and I coughed and played it off. 

OK one more funny weight story then we will move on and I will wrap up…I promise…I just missed telling you guys these stories.  So couple days ago this guy hops on the hammer ab machine this machine you sit in and you pull down while pulling your knees up to work your abs (pictured above). Well this machine honestly is a beast, its difficult.  I’ll be the first to admit but ill also be the first to admit that I don’t get on there and throw on 1000 lbs either.  This guy gets on this machine and has too much weight.  By that I mean I am on the leg press machine next to him in between songs I hear him grunting and blowing all hard yet nothing was moving…his face was all red and shaky.  I’m like dude just lighten the friggin weight but he was really straining it was quite hilarious. Sorry but it's true.

                                                                

On the other side of things having too much weight. You have to push yourself…ok I get that but not to the point that  you hurt yourself. Or the weight is pulling you around.  This poor guy was using this pull down machine like you see below…it’s not funny but it is lol..he had so much weight he had to stand up and almost swing to pull the weight down…well when he goes to go up with the rep before pulling it back down…the weight pulled him up out of his seat and almost ripped his arms out the socket.

Ok back to some other gym characters…oh man I could on go and on…but let me tell you about the Clingers.  Ok if you go to the gym and haven’t seen them next time you go you will see at least one I promise. It's like the new thing….to see the incline on the treadmill to aimed to Heaven and watch folks hold on for dear life trying not to fall off. It’s one of the funniest people watching characters at the gym. They are working those calves but most are slumped over clinging to the rails while trying to read a magazine! BWhahahahahahahaha c’mon if this is you stop! You look ridiculous!

Right way:

Wrong Way:

Ok, OK I will wrap it up there folks but as I go to the gym I will have to come home and just shoot you guys a quick blog to give you a laugh. OH wait before  I go….I forgot one…the folks who go to the gym in regular jeans and shirts.  You  think  yeah right no way! I’m telling you they exist and man do they stick out like a sore thumb to see a guy in jeans and a button up lifting weights or on the stationary bike…

it will make you question what you’re seeing.

Well hopefully I haven’t bored you to tears but gave you some things to look for and find humor in when you go to the gym. Blog ya later